I came across this poem yesterday while surfing other preemie sites. While reading it, I sat in front of my computer and cried. This poem could not be more true of how life is for the parents of a preemie baby and for the child themselves. All the other moms out there of preemies can relate to this. This is our lives on a day to day basis. So much uncertainty.
I remember during our 3 months in NICU many nurses telling me how one day I will forget about all we were going through. My memories are still very strong. I actually don't want to forget. It only makes me appreciate every tiny breath the girl's take that much more.
The Preemie Experience
by Sandra D Moore
The preemie experience is the shattering of all your dreams For a normal, healthy delivery,Of the ability to carry home a beautiful squirming bundle After a short stay in the hospital.
It is lying there in your hospital room listening to The happy sounds of whole families joined Together by the birth of a grandchild, cousin, niece,Or nephew, and knowing that your Child is miles away and may not survive long enough For you to see or simply touch.
It is that first glimpse of a skinny, scrawny, not much bigger Than a Barbie doll child And feeling, fear, awe, and joy for such a fragile soul.
It is sitting by your baby’s “bedside” day after day,Week after week, month after month,Alternating between the emotional high of “Look, her eyes are open,” or “She’s crying!”And the lows of “I’m sorry, Mrs. Moore. Something has Shown up in Lauren’s ultrasound,”Or even “There is nothing we can do…”
It is hearing the alarms go off for the twentieth time in less Than fifteen minutes because your Child’s heart rate keeps hitting zero.
It is watching children dying around you, wondering if Your child will be next.It is hearing your child’s cry of distress as the nurses Insert yet another IV and do another Round of daily blood tests.It is meeting other parents of children who are doing far better And wondering, “Why me?”And meeting parents of children who have just died,And praising God for His mercy To your child and feeling guilty because your child is alive And someone else is grieving for theirs.It is days of nightmarish testing and coping with less Than positive results to the tests.It is days of joy at seeing the first eyelash appear,The child gain a whole ounce in one day,And two bright shiny eyes look at you and into your soul,And knowing that your child now recognizes you as Mama or Dada;Or perhaps looks at you and does not see you at all…
It is that final hurdle before coming home!It is the sorrow of waiting for the monitor company Representative to show you what to do If the alarm sounds when your child is choking,Gasping for breath, or simply dying.It is the joy of just being away from all those nurses And tubes and wires and beeps, and Walking into the nursery you hastily prepared because, after all,The child wasn’t due for another three months!
It is thinking the nightmare is over…only to realize it still Continues in the form of Such acronyms as PVL, RSV, BPD, CP and numerous others.
It is the final realization that those developmental delays Have to be dealt with,That reflux is a normal and unfortunate occurrence in most preemies,That the constant fight to gain weight is in direct proportion To a preemie’s ability to do so.
It is watching a child struggle to pick up his or her head, sit,Crawl, or walk.It is witnessing only silence when the child should be babbling,Because the child cannot hear.
It is the mental images of a child running and playing And communicating with others in a perfectly normal manner that are marred when you face years of therapy In order to simply get the child to eat by himself or herself,To talk or walk and then run.
The preemie experience is a journey…A journey through your soul in order to find the faith and strength to cope,A journey of the mind when you face the emotional weariness,A journey of the heart…to accept that, no matter what,This child is yours, And you will love this child no matter what.
